there is something icky that i feel
in truth there is the feeling of death that in my arena
a feeling of mourning
so much mourning
so much damn mourning
i can tell you why though, because yes… i am d y i n g
the self that has been holding on
the false one, honestly
and as i sit with her, i am now reckoning with how heavy she really is
she’s so heavy to carry and hold
which is different that how easy it is to be her, and nestled into the energy of being with her
and doing the things that she likes
of course thats the definition of get up out your comfort zone
get up and face the ugly shit
the shit that has ready and on queue
and HONESTLY the shit that is ready to be left behind
principally
like the crazy thing is that its time for a full system upgrade
like a f u l l system upgrade
which to my nervous system feels so scary
that why i keep getting this inkling to be held i feel like
held through the scary transitions
which luckily is now being dealt with in a way that my system responds to
by me
those around me
in the ways they know how
which are reflected again from the ways that i hold myself
you know, it feels that best when you follow through with a transition all the way to the other end
which is a muscle that is highly being worked on in so many ways
trust me
it has been such a long time of starting and topping with only reason being the false selves want to stay alive and thriving
oo the real look at alive and thriving
my love brought this to my forefront
to be healing, alive, and thriving
and how much separation of them there actually is
— now, respecting the fact that the understanding is now being filtered through my lens
one that is dying
or going through the fire
alchemical change
which shall arise anew
while remaining with the shifted compounds that were once something of the old
the thing about it too is that i can’t even call her a false self
because she in fact has been very real
is very real
and will remain a very real piece of my vessel, soul, make up
i can say the piece
is
integrating
it feels like dying for sure, but its not
it can’t be
because its energetic
is a dissipation
while a collection of at the same time
a rise and a fall
a trusting and beginning
a becoming and now
all at the same time
its a strengthening
and weakening
of course
its all
its movement
its breath
ITS THE LEARNING TO BREATHE DIFFERENT
to trust different
to love different
to grow different
its a full system upgrade, like i s a i d
its a processing of what is here now, present
and making space for the new process that is now about to flow in
the part that is necessary for this next phase of development
i really have hope though
more than hope really lol — so much more quality that hope
i have faith
i’ve been called
HELIA SOUL | August 23rd, 2025 | 11:48 AM | CANADA
